Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
