Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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