man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
