Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
where are my eyebrows?
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