sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
