I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
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