Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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