I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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