you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
