I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
