Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
