honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
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Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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