i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
