i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
