Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
