So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
