What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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