Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
