she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
