Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
