My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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