Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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