The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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