I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
