I'm retarded. Again.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
even my farts smell like vagina
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf