People with herpes should wear stickers.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.