I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
