Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
