the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
