I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
