After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
