her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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