Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
