Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
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The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
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Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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