If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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