Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
