I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
