So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Randomize
