I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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