my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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