I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
