Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
