my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
