Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
