i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You took a bar mat shot.
So squirting runs in the family.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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