Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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