do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
