YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
