The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
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Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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