I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
