I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
