I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
