Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
