Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
