God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
